Tuesday, March 16, 2010

You don't know what you've got til its gone

Now it is time to lament about post grad life. All through high school I was just waiting to graduate, to get out and be "on my own". I was convinced that since High school had not been my niche, that college would be this life altering experience where the true Brooke would come out. And although I enjoyed college and even managed to prolong my stay an extra semester, I did not embrace it until it was too late. Now I am not saying that I didn't have my fair share of fun because I definitely capitalized on that but I took too many things to heart, I thought I needed to know all the answers, and I still didn't feel I had found my place.

Now that I have graduated from college, I honestly want to kick myself for not having realized what a good thing I had going. I was on my own, taking classes I chose, I had a car, and had friends around all the time. Yet while I was there something felt missing, not quite right and then I presumed to self sabotage myself yet again when I told myself that since college hadn't been my niche that my thirties would be my time to thrive. But I'm learning...finally that every time in your life is what you make it. I could have had a better high school and college experience than I did and its up to me to make this happen in the future.

However, at this moment I am unemployed (partly because of choice and partly because I can't get a "real" job) living in my parents house with no sense of what life will be like for me. It's these little holes, so to speak, that we get ourselves into that make it all the more difficult to actually make further experiences better. When I graduated I had it all planned out, I would come home, get a part time job and save the money to get an apartment and then have just enough left over money to travel. It was somewhat structured and yet sounded free. However, the realities of life hit pretty quick when I realized that I have little to no money therefore making an apartment seem like a glimmer of light at the end of a long long tunnel, I am not qualified for many other jobs further persuading me that I need to do another internship which basically means work for free which does not equal moving out anytime soon. And while my parents are strangely nice to agree to help pay for an apartment if said internship turns up, I can't help but feel massive amounts of guilt. After all they have paid for 4 1/2 years of college, my rent in college, 2 different lap tops, they let me take a car to college, allowed me to move back in and much more that need not be explained. I feel that at my age it is probably about time I get my act together and start making things happen for myself. I need that sense of independence that I am doing it on my own and if that means I'm extremely poor in the process so be it.

I have heard story after story from my parents about being poor young adults working double shifts, eating peanut butter and jelly for weeks on end and driving beat up cars just to make it by. Their parents didn't help them, they may have had trouble but they were learning to do it on their own or more so being forced to be on their own. Shouldn't I be held to the same standard? Shouldn't I hold myself to the same standard?

I think the moral of all this rambling is that it is time for me to make things happen...whatever they may be. No one else, not even my parents can give me what I need now. I need to do this for myself by myself.

I suppose this was the first step.
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